Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Pound it

Everyday in my life is an adventure, and by adventure I mean tragedy, and by tragedy I mean it is about as exciting as getting backstage passes to your favorite band’s show and being with another fan who is even more enthusiastic about the experience that they end up vomiting all over you.  Is your heart pumping? Yes. Are you still having an okay day? Yes.  Is it the way you saw your day going? No. What I am getting at, is my life is a conglomeration of some fun, a little mess, kind of smelly and ends in a way I never expected.  This is how things went for me at work the other day. 
            Every month or so, we have a pest control company that comes out to spot check.  Our pest control representative is a rather rotund, middle aged woman with short hair and masculine mannerisms.  She is a happy go lucky person who is always kind, but you can tell she is a little socially inept.  She walks in with her clip board and trucker hat as she goes around with a huge smile checking all of our insect traps.  She seems to see and switch every other bug trap but mine.  It just sits under my desk, filled with the carcasses of dead grasshoppers, rollie pollie, and other vile creatures.  I guess it would get changed if I brought it to her attention, but doing that would create for me a never ending urge within this woman to communicate with me each time she comes in.  Since I started here there has been a common unsettled feeling that comes over my department when this woman walks in.  It’s must be what it’s like in Kansas when the wind starts to howl and the sky turns green, you get unnerved and you run for cover.  Well, at the office, we know she has walked in the door, when the girl at the front desks suddenly has a deep need to be in the filing room.  At that point everyone starts doing a reverse mosh pit action trying to call “not it” to take her spot.  But then suddenly, it’s too late and it’s your turn. 
            My first experience with her began pleasantly.  She came up and in a forced drawl said she would be looking around, had I seen any bugs, did I.  Then after about fifteen minutes of her poking around  outside, she came back up to the front desk, and in her gentlemanly fashion, thanked me for my time and asked if I could please sign the dotted line. I was new and eager to help in that small way.  She tore the carbon copy and left me with my portion, patting it on the desk with her sausage fingers and a wrist watch that was being consumed by the flesh of her wrist.   She continued her pleasantries and touched the bill of her hat, when suddenly, and without warning it came at me. She got into a stance like she was about to throw a baseball and with that same bulbous arm she swung out, almost like a hook punch, and stopped short, with her hand balled into a fist.  I looked at her fist, looked back at her, my gaze settling on her fist and thought, ‘Oh dear heaven, this woman wants me to fist bump her.’ With the enthusiasm of a fat turkey at Thanksgiving, I held out my fist.  I only went half way, I made her do the motion, and as she did I internalized all of her awkwardness and was humiliated for her.  It was physically painful and I was going to avoid doing it again at all costs, no matter what I would have to do…excluding, of course, actually expressing to her my discomfort at her request.  


            As is common, time ticks into infinity and before we knew it she was back.  This was an exceptionally rare visit.  In usual fashion, we heard the front doors open and it was every woman for herself.  First, the front desk chick stood suddenly and quickly ran off murmuring something about a meeting or needing some peanut butter.  Another shot off to the back hollering back that filing was a top priority.  I was frozen in a panic attack, should I run into the bathroom and hide until she’s gone…no, there’s no couch in there! Should I fake everyone out with a fainting spell…?  And risk the pest control lady being the one to administer mouth to mouth, no thank you.  At that point all others had fled, my indecision stole any opportunity. I squared my shoulders and took my place at the front desk and anxiously fumbled awaiting certain psychological discomfort.  Every time the font door squeaked, my heart raced as I fumbled trying to busy my hands enough to dissuade her from needing their attention.  The moment finally arrived, the door squealed and swooshed, it was now or never. Suddenly my mind was clear, focused, I picked up the handset to my phone, and began talking to the dial tone, I was very animated and excited to speak to it as I arbitrarily typed into my key board.  She sauntered up to the desk, but never got too close she milled about the foyer, walking around the coffee table casually looking at magazines. Oh no, I thought, she was waiting for me to finish!!! Again very smoothly, I continued with my “conversation” participating in a mock discussion of available dates for training, I raised my voice in an attempt to demonstrate stress and urgency so that the bug lady would know I didn’t have time for chit chat.  After saying something ridiculous and Hollywood influenced like, “let’s meet in the middle here” and “Well, I am sorry, I don’t know what to tell you,” I pulled the phone slightly away from my mouth trying to get her attention.  At this point the dial tone had become deafening and I needed to get this lady out of here, with as little physical contact as possible. She looked at me, I hadn’t taken my hands from the key board but I whispered loudly to her, so as not to interrupt my dial tone, “do you need me to sign something??”   She nodded emphatically in the affirmative and sort of bowed at my desk unfolding the invoice to be signed. As was usual she pointed where to sign, and I did so exaggerating how difficult it was to juggle both, all the while never making eye contact.  She had been defeated and was walking away, no fist bump, no award hook punch dance move. I had beaten her at her game. Take that bug lady, today wasn’t going to be an awkward day for me!!
 As she was walking away, the dial tone wouldn’t keep my confidence any longer. I think the phone as a minute and a half dial tone limit, because at this moment just as she hit the mid point between my desk and the door that would lead her to a world of endless fist bumps , the dial tone went from the normal sound to a screeching, revealing pitch. It was shocking, it was offensive, it was my tell-tale heart.  This was my small defeat, it was time to hang up the phone. Did Bug Lady hear? 
I don’t know what I was so afraid of. Was she going to come bounding back to embrace me with her knuckles? Was there a pause in her gait, I wasn’t if she was on to me and I didn’t want to have that all too awkward conversation:

Bug Lady: Miss, are you purposely trying to avoid the fist bump?
Kyle: Um, to be honest, I look forward to them but my boss, he really thinks they cross the line, so…
Bug Lady: Miss, I don’t mean no harm, I just come and check on the bugs…
Kyle: No, that is fantastic, it’s just, fist bumping to me is a really special intimate action between two people who really care about each other, and I just don’t feel comfortable being so casual about it.

Even though, Bug Lady didn’t let on that anything was out of the ordinary or that she had heard the shrill dial tone, I still felt a need to recover, I think I mumbled something like, ‘Hmm, bad connection…must’ve dropped the call,’ and I hung up, rubbing my ear. 
            I was embarrassed, a little ashamed of my behavior, and I was still in fight or flight mode, in other words my anxiety or adrenaline was still in overtime from survival mode.  One by one my coworkers emerged from filing closets, the break room, and under their desk.  I was pacing back and forth and preparing to share my story with them.  So I looked back at one of my coworkers, and she asked what happened and I was trying to find the words and while at the same time cover my embarrassment.  I grabbed the collar of my polyester, royal blue, uniform and tried to cover my face with it.  It only went up to the middle of my cheeks, just below my eyes, as my face turned red.  I started sharing my story and once I was committed to it, my embarrassment was fading so I dropped my shirt collar.  Only, it didn’t fall.  Somehow, in this wide world of coincidences and the moments of perfect timing, a loose thread from the collar of my shirt had wrapped itself around the bracket of my braces. I quickly realized this story of embarrassment was about to turn into a story of humiliation, as I pictured my self spending the day running around the office with my shirt collar in my mouth, with a steadily growing wet spot forming throughout the day.  I was too ashamed to move my hand down from my face for fear of exposing the state that I was finding myself in.  I gave it a quick lift, tug, pull, and nothing.  The little S.O.B. was hanging on for dear life, definitely in it for the long haul.  After a good minute and a half of trying to proceed with my story causally without drawing more attention to myself, all the while keeping my shirt in my mouth, I relented.
“My shirt is caught on my braces,” I whispered to the crowd of coworkers, who had gathered, with a new wave of blood rushing to my face. 
 “Kyle, you are so silly, is this part of the story,” a coworker exclaimed.  
“Nope, this is reality, this is happening to me right now,” feeling my anxiety being to soar over my situation.
“Oh bless your heart,” my coworker said as she looked at me with eyes women typically reserve for children with special needs.  With that she jumped to action helping me “unhook” myself from myself.  I didn’t have any lasting visible damage and I was able to conclude my story. 
This experience has taught me one thing.  Those awkward people who make us fist bump them in front of others make life interesting.  They are the sprinkling of lime juice on a paper cut…sure we don’t like it, sure it stings but at least we are reminded that we still feel. 


1 comment:

  1. Thanks for the post this fabulous article with me! Such as inspiring words written here, i high appreciate this post!


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