The Dreadful Tale of the Lady Bug....

Plan B, might be a touch front loaded, as I am trying to share the several experiences that have inspired its inception. 

    This is a truly true story… I apologize if this is a re-telling, at least you’ll be reading it for the first time.

    A few months ago I had a terrible day, everything was going wrong, literally, not like single girl, bitterness, pity party, bad day, I mean like I had woken up late for work; with a call from my boss, no less, saying, “Kyle were you planning on coming in today?” Then some one from India kept me on the phone for over thirteen minutes telling me I owed them money, to which I responded, “Sir, I have never been, nor plan to visit India, how could I owe you money?” He responded, “Mr. Roberts, why is your voice so high?” It turned out to be some zombie debt collector, but, I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake so, check that off the bucket list. Anyways, that day was completely wretched, I am pretty sure an older gentleman coworker told me at lunch I could sure ‘pack away the food.’ I think I also found out that day that I had been singing the wrong words to Hey Soul Sister by Train, you start to see the picture I am painting for you.

   

 So the work day was finally over, and I got in my car to drive to school. I drew a long breath as I turned the ignition and geared myself up to start the next portion of a very long day. As I did so, I noticed a little lady bug on my windshield. My best friend Deedee, a former high school soccer star, always told me that when you held a lady bug it was good luck. So, as I drove I held this sweet little beetle and I whispered to it my hopes and dreams. I mentioned to her, that I had had a super rough day and needed a little fortune to help me make it through the rest of the day. I also asked, if it weren’t too much trouble, for a romantic opportunity to arise, nothing big. At this point I was almost at the on-ramp of the highway that I take to school, and I know I need to set this little lady free. ***So I roll my window down a crack, and stick out the finger on which the lady bug is latched, keep in mind I am moving at a speed of about 40-45 mph. This chick was holding on for dear life, so I extend my whole hand out the three inch crack in the window, and she still won’t let go, like my exboyfriend‘s mother, she has a vice grip hold from hell. At this point, freeing this bug takes priority one in my mind, clearly hypnotizing me, because I loose all awareness of the fact that I am in a moving automobile, racing down a public street, close to a highway onramp, and I turn my gaze away from something that at the moment, I deem has minimal importance. I begin to wrestle with this demon lady bug putting both hands out the window to save her life--don't worry I was still in control of the car, that is why we have knees, people!! Now, it wasn’t my intention to crush her, you see, she was my genie, per se, and if she died my wishes wouldn’t be granted. So, I finally get loose from her ninja hold and set my lady off to sail on the wind of destiny. I feel confident I can now turn my attention back to the road, as my objective was accomplished. I then moved my eyes back toward the road, just as the truck was headed into the guard rail.

  It was my natural instinct to jerk the wheel the opposite direction…in other words away from sudden and painful death, which turned out to be pretty fantastic, because I did so just in time to glance off the barrier at  an angle that allowed every inch of the driver’s side of my white Ford Ranger to be scratched from bumper to bumper. It was almost like that barrier was a track, and the side of my truck was a roller coaster car that was clicking up on its way to terror, crying babies, and, dare I say, vomit. I hate roller coasters, I have always hated roller coasters. I had the sense of self to control my gag reflex and was able to successfully disconnect from the railing, hands shaking, heart pounding, and proceeded on my journey to school and place the cherry on the top of my day.

    Who’s fault was it?** Mine? The lady bug’s? A bewildering question to this day, I still can’t answer it…I am not here to judge, only to tell my story. Am I mad at the lady bug? I hold no ill feelings toward her…if it was a her, she probably was a he dressed in drag, she might not have been a lady bug at all, probably was some impersonating beetle sent to torment me. I have since purchased a new truck and have put this episode behind me, the point is, why didn’t that lady bug make it clear she wasn’t there to grant wishes and move on with her day. Why didn’t she let go of my finger, did the pale color of my skin confuse her, maybe she wanted to stay in the air conditioning. This has turned out to be one of the great mysteries of life. I don’t think I’ll ever find out. I just know from here on out, the car will be brought to an immediate stop upon discovery of an insect or animal, especially raccoons. That creature will be freed or shot with a 7 foot reaching spray can of wasp killer. I know that may sound harsh, but the harshest reality of all is that demented lady bug probably had her brains in a jumble and was dizzy from me trying to shake her free, then bounced off the bed of my truck, into a windshield of another car, and landed on the guard rail at the exact point and moment my car made contact. Who has the luck now???

*I thought the words were "Hazel sister" not "Hey soul sister"
**for the record I know it was my fault and not hers,
*** the climax of this story took place in approximately 7.72 seconds.